I sang in chapel with the preschoolers a few days ago...for the last time. It was bitter and sweet. My heart was full...and empty. And as the children poured out their voices to the Lord, I found myself thinking of the details---who would sing with them next year? Who will find new music (because the songs are getting old)? Will they know the stories to teach-- the ones the kids really enjoy? Those sweet voices pouring out to the Lord and I'm gathering details like a rake would gather fallen leaves. Piling them as high as I can. Because collected details, piled high and all together make me feel--safe, in control.
They accumulate so fast, gathered details, one pile turning into two and three and four. So neatly put together, they make life look....managed. If I am uncomfortable with God's leading, His nudge...I can rummage through the pile for that one detail that will convince Him that I know the way; I have a plan. It's a facade though. The reality is that as the pile grows, I only get further and further from Him-- His truth, His answers. His WAY just gets lost under those gathered details--the pile where my need to KNOW, my need to CONTROL is kept.
And so, what if I just decided to jump into that pile of details and let them fall where they may...lose control...Trust in Him? What if I decided to step out in faith...follow His lead...BELIEVE He has a plan--a good plan. What if I just stopped gathering those dry and brittle details all together and TRUST in the ONE who knows my way, planned my existence? What if...
What the heck...
(and that's a whole different story for a different day)
:)natalie
Thursday, May 31, 2012
Tuesday, April 24, 2012
I haven't written since December. How can that happen? What must be going on to keep me from doing one of the things I love the most? In a week I will be 40. And with 39 years almost under my belt, I am beginning to realize that life is too short NOT to do the things you love. Life passes by too quickly not to pursue every dream you have tucked in your heart. Other things I've come to understand with 39 years behind me...
--Children are windows to God; they know so much more about life than adults.
--You only live in a glass house if you move in.
--Women are strong beings and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
-- True beauty oozes from the heart.
--In the end, it won't matter if you recylced, ate organic, had an Iphone, watched in HD, drove a hybrid or shopped at The Loft...BUT it will matter how you Loved.
--Every day should include something you love to do...
--You will never regret saying 'Yes' to helping someone else.
--Your time is all your children REALLY want from you.
--If this world was obsessed with Jesus the way it is obsessed with money...well...Just IMAGINE!
--Never put another human on a pedastal; they will fall for sure.
--Sometimes it is just time to get up and go...
--Change is scary, but healthy.
--There's a purpose for each person that enters your life AND a reason when they exit.
--Life would be terrible without music. :)
Natalie:)
--Children are windows to God; they know so much more about life than adults.
--You only live in a glass house if you move in.
--Women are strong beings and there is absolutely nothing wrong with it.
-- True beauty oozes from the heart.
--In the end, it won't matter if you recylced, ate organic, had an Iphone, watched in HD, drove a hybrid or shopped at The Loft...BUT it will matter how you Loved.
--Every day should include something you love to do...
--You will never regret saying 'Yes' to helping someone else.
--Your time is all your children REALLY want from you.
--If this world was obsessed with Jesus the way it is obsessed with money...well...Just IMAGINE!
--Never put another human on a pedastal; they will fall for sure.
--Sometimes it is just time to get up and go...
--Change is scary, but healthy.
--There's a purpose for each person that enters your life AND a reason when they exit.
--Life would be terrible without music. :)
Natalie:)
Friday, December 30, 2011
The Rock
The rain came down, the streams rose, and the winds blew and beat against that house; yet it did not fall, because it had its foundation on the rock. Matthew 7:25
I've been thinking about focus this morning. We all have a focus...a center point, a place where we put our attention, our concentration. And it is this focus that shapes our lives--our attitudes, behaviors... even our hearts. Unfortunately, I find that more often than not, my focus is on the storms. My center point is the rising stream. As I walk through life, my concentration is on the wind and the rain. I cannot see past the storms that surround my house; I watch them intently. I know when the rains begin. I can tell you how high the stream rises with each passing storm. I clock and record the speeds of the winds, meticulously. And the damage...I can tell you all you want to know about the damage to my house--what broke, how much the repairs cost, how long it took to rebuild. If you want to talk feelings, I can do that too--with great accuracy--the fears, the heartache, the pain. The storm is always my focus, and so I miss the beauty. I miss the true focus. I miss the fact that with every storm, my house never fell. Its foundation, The Rock, never moved. The rains fall so hard sometimes. The streams rise so high and the winds blow saw fast that you fear for your life. But, when the house is built on the Rock, on the God who is bigger than any storm, the foundation will not be moved. Your house will never fall. And that should be the focus.
I've been thinking about focus this morning. We all have a focus...a center point, a place where we put our attention, our concentration. And it is this focus that shapes our lives--our attitudes, behaviors... even our hearts. Unfortunately, I find that more often than not, my focus is on the storms. My center point is the rising stream. As I walk through life, my concentration is on the wind and the rain. I cannot see past the storms that surround my house; I watch them intently. I know when the rains begin. I can tell you how high the stream rises with each passing storm. I clock and record the speeds of the winds, meticulously. And the damage...I can tell you all you want to know about the damage to my house--what broke, how much the repairs cost, how long it took to rebuild. If you want to talk feelings, I can do that too--with great accuracy--the fears, the heartache, the pain. The storm is always my focus, and so I miss the beauty. I miss the true focus. I miss the fact that with every storm, my house never fell. Its foundation, The Rock, never moved. The rains fall so hard sometimes. The streams rise so high and the winds blow saw fast that you fear for your life. But, when the house is built on the Rock, on the God who is bigger than any storm, the foundation will not be moved. Your house will never fall. And that should be the focus.
Monday, December 26, 2011
Forgiven...
This morning, I spent some time cleaning out my email folders. It sounds like a simple enough task, but for me, it simply...isn't. I had over 6000 emails in my 'Deleted' folder and nearly "3000" in my 'In' folder. They are reminders to me. I can turn on the computer in the morning and review upcoming events or see a name that reminds me of a phone call I need to make. Emails pertaining to current events in my life remain in my 'In' folder until that event is over. And when it is time to move them on, I click DELETE and send them on to the 'Deleted' folder. It is this folder that concerns me. Because we all know that it isn't really a 'Deleted' folder. At any time, I can recall an email of the past--find an old schedule, review a long forgotten event. And for me, there is comfort in that. I can hang on, review, remind myself of things long forgotten. Things don't really have to go away; they can remain.
For emails, that can be a good thing. But what I have come to realize is that I do this in life too---hang on, review, remind myself of things long forgotten. I say it's over; I forgive; I forget. Then I move it out of the 'In' folder of my heart to a place where I can recall it if needed. And this place, my heart's 'Deleted' folder, is different. It is a deeper place in my heart, where things of the past are able to sit and marinate in the feelings they produced so long ago. This is a dangerous process, this marinating, as the feelings of old become distorted. When they are recalled, the events that surrounded them are inaccurate and one-sided. New feelings arise, more potent--often deadly to your heart.
And so...just like the 'Deleted' folder of emails, this folder in my heart needs to be cleaned out--permanently deleted. Unfortunately, for me, it takes more than a click of a button. It requires a God's touch--a God who specializes in forgiveness. And I know when it's time to fall on my knees and ask Him to help me move the overflowing content of my heart's 'Deleted' folder to the wonderful, freeing folder labeled--'Forgiven.'
For emails, that can be a good thing. But what I have come to realize is that I do this in life too---hang on, review, remind myself of things long forgotten. I say it's over; I forgive; I forget. Then I move it out of the 'In' folder of my heart to a place where I can recall it if needed. And this place, my heart's 'Deleted' folder, is different. It is a deeper place in my heart, where things of the past are able to sit and marinate in the feelings they produced so long ago. This is a dangerous process, this marinating, as the feelings of old become distorted. When they are recalled, the events that surrounded them are inaccurate and one-sided. New feelings arise, more potent--often deadly to your heart.
And so...just like the 'Deleted' folder of emails, this folder in my heart needs to be cleaned out--permanently deleted. Unfortunately, for me, it takes more than a click of a button. It requires a God's touch--a God who specializes in forgiveness. And I know when it's time to fall on my knees and ask Him to help me move the overflowing content of my heart's 'Deleted' folder to the wonderful, freeing folder labeled--'Forgiven.'
Monday, December 19, 2011
Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done... Psalm 105: 4-5
I know this scripture; it's written in my journal many times. I've scribbled it there out of joy, fear and complete desperation. The words are in my head--I recall them easily. In my times of need, my brain can quickly repeat what to do--look to God; call upon His strength; seek Him; don't forget the wonderful things He has done for me.
And that's where it ends. This wonderful set of instructions hasn't penetrated my heart. I know this because I've lived under a similar set of circumstances for nearly 4 years now. Clouds of uncertainty have passed by in what seems like a continual line. And with each fog...I completely panic, complaining to God that I don't have the strength, reminding Him that I've been doing this for years! It's sad, really. And it makes me realize that I am not growing or not enough anyway. It makes me realize that I mope in my circumstances. I am very much like the Isrealiltes---hearing God, but not letting His truths penetrate my heart. It makes me realize that I am not living the truths I so desperately read and scribble in my journal.
I know this scripture; it's written in my journal many times. I've scribbled it there out of joy, fear and complete desperation. The words are in my head--I recall them easily. In my times of need, my brain can quickly repeat what to do--look to God; call upon His strength; seek Him; don't forget the wonderful things He has done for me.
And that's where it ends. This wonderful set of instructions hasn't penetrated my heart. I know this because I've lived under a similar set of circumstances for nearly 4 years now. Clouds of uncertainty have passed by in what seems like a continual line. And with each fog...I completely panic, complaining to God that I don't have the strength, reminding Him that I've been doing this for years! It's sad, really. And it makes me realize that I am not growing or not enough anyway. It makes me realize that I mope in my circumstances. I am very much like the Isrealiltes---hearing God, but not letting His truths penetrate my heart. It makes me realize that I am not living the truths I so desperately read and scribble in my journal.
What's worse is that I've had ample opportunity to place these truths in my heart. Nearly fours years ago, my husband lost his job. We had five children--our recent additions were 5 months old. We were scared, unsure and angry. But God walked us through, showing us the reality of His provision and unconditional love. Throughout the next several years, we faced the same situation over and over. Today, we face it again. And with each time, I go right back to my three-step reaction: PANIC, PLEAD, and PITY. Truthfully, the reality of it makes sick to my stomach. I know His truths--I read about them; I write them; I even teach them. But when it comes to living them, I just don't measure up. I claim to know that God will take care of me. But when the job market is less than desirable and the bank account is depleated and I've cried the same prayer for years, I wonder...where is He? Does He really care? Has He left me? Is He angry with me?
I've seen God's Grace and Mercy in my life so many times; I've seen Him come through in impossible situations. And yet, when the going gets tough once again...my faith is weak, lacking, not there!
And I wonder...I wonder what He thinks. Because, frankly, I am so good at wondering what others think. Is He disappointed in my reaction, my doubt, my lack of faith? Why do I keep failing this test? Is it even a test to fail?
And it comes back to me--those words I scribbled in my journal, His words--Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done. It's a simple set of instructions. It doesn't specify when you do this. It doesn't say--Look to the Lord immediately, before you Panic, Plead and have a little Pity party. Perhaps just the act of looking to Him, seeking Him is what He wants--no matter where you are in a crisis. Sure, it would be great to do it immediately; but I don't. And that's just who I am. Does that mean that His truths haven't penetrated my heart? Does that mean I am not growing? Perhaps...not.
The most wonderful thing about all of this, about Him, is His Grace and His Mercy. He knows me. He knows the things I scribble in a journal; He knows my fear; He knows my thoughts; and He knows that when the going gets tough...I Panic, Plead and Pity FIRST. And yet, He loves me still.
Sunday, September 18, 2011
When we trust in God--believe in His plan for us--there is no room for grudges. Because grudges hold us back, smother our joy; distort our relationship with God. Grudges harden our hearts; they slowly chip away at the softeness that allows us to care, love, give, feel.
And I say this, not from judgement, but experience. Because it's hard to forgive. Our humaness is so full of self that we focus on what is being done to us or said about us. And we forget that God has a plan for us, a good plan. And if we trust in that, no kind of darkness that we fall into or are shoved into is bigger than His plan.
Yep, I wrote that! Several weeks ago I sat at my computer and typed those words. And yet, here I sit....holding a grudge. And I have to laugh; I have to smile, because it is simply a reminder of my humaness, my imperfect self. And it is a reminder that those words, typed so carefully with such feeling are only that...words. And words are wonderful; and words are powerful; but only if we let them be wonderful and powerful, only if we let them change our actions.
And I imagine God, smiling at me with that Fatherly grin...knowing I would revisit the lesson as I wrote it...knowing my humaness would show it's ugly self. I am human, afterall. So, Ill carry on and pray that he helps me to let go of those grudges that harden our hearts. And I'll continue to be ever thankful to serve a God who knows my flaws but loves me anyway.
:)natalie
And I say this, not from judgement, but experience. Because it's hard to forgive. Our humaness is so full of self that we focus on what is being done to us or said about us. And we forget that God has a plan for us, a good plan. And if we trust in that, no kind of darkness that we fall into or are shoved into is bigger than His plan.
Yep, I wrote that! Several weeks ago I sat at my computer and typed those words. And yet, here I sit....holding a grudge. And I have to laugh; I have to smile, because it is simply a reminder of my humaness, my imperfect self. And it is a reminder that those words, typed so carefully with such feeling are only that...words. And words are wonderful; and words are powerful; but only if we let them be wonderful and powerful, only if we let them change our actions.
And I imagine God, smiling at me with that Fatherly grin...knowing I would revisit the lesson as I wrote it...knowing my humaness would show it's ugly self. I am human, afterall. So, Ill carry on and pray that he helps me to let go of those grudges that harden our hearts. And I'll continue to be ever thankful to serve a God who knows my flaws but loves me anyway.
:)natalie
Monday, September 12, 2011
Then the Lord said, "There is a place near me where you may stand on a rock. When my glory passes by, I will put you in a cleft in the rock and cover you with my hand until I have passed by. Then I will remove my hand and you will see my back; but my face must not be seen," Exodus 33:21-23
Have you been in this place--this place where the Glory of God passes you and you look to see only His back? When I read this today, I contemplated about what an amazing place this would be, how I wanted so much to visit this place. And yet, something tells me I've been there...
I've seen the passing of God's Glory when...
--each of my children took their first breath of life
--the money to feed my family was just...there.
--my little boy transformed from deathly sick to alive and well.
--a wise old man whipsered truths to my heart that only He could know to speak.
--a scripture spoke to the ailing of my heart.
--the sun greeted a new day and washed away the darkness.
I've been in that cleft of a rock, where God's hand has covered me while He passed by. Sometimes, and only somtimes, I realize...I live in that place, but only forget to notice His passing.
natalie :)
Have you been in this place--this place where the Glory of God passes you and you look to see only His back? When I read this today, I contemplated about what an amazing place this would be, how I wanted so much to visit this place. And yet, something tells me I've been there...
I've seen the passing of God's Glory when...
--each of my children took their first breath of life
--the money to feed my family was just...there.
--my little boy transformed from deathly sick to alive and well.
--a wise old man whipsered truths to my heart that only He could know to speak.
--a scripture spoke to the ailing of my heart.
--the sun greeted a new day and washed away the darkness.
I've been in that cleft of a rock, where God's hand has covered me while He passed by. Sometimes, and only somtimes, I realize...I live in that place, but only forget to notice His passing.
natalie :)
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